I’ve never been one to be worried about what others thought of me. Looking back my high school and university days were spent behaving and dressing how I wanted without one single solitary thought as to how I was viewed by others.

But I guess that everyone, at some level, does care a teensy tiny bit about how they look in another person’s eyes. Even back in the day when I was a “vintage whore” in the wardrobe department with jet-black hair and knee-high Doc Martens with tattoos and piercings (have I mentioned how much I miss those yet?), I was very concious of my weight. If there was anything I could change about myself it was my weight. And ironically back then I weighed as much as I did during my pregnancy. I was a heavy girl at 5’4 and 170 lbs. I was always careful to choose fabrics that hid the flab and stood with the heavy weight of insecurity when with my “skinny” friends.

Unfortunately, even after I had shed the weight through the years, I still carry that heavy burden with me — comparing myself to other “thin” girls and launching into panic mode whenever I would put on five or ten pounds repeatedly asking my boyfriend-turned-husband “do I look fat????”.  My husband never understood this. He had always taken me for someone who cared little about what anyone thought of me so why did my weight matter? Yet he would roll his eyes, let out a big sigh and say “you look FINE”. And I never believed him.

So now, as if being trapped in post-pregnancy-wardrobe-limbo wasn’t enough motivation I’ve experienced my worst nightmare. I’ve actually heard what others see.

#1. THE COUSIN WHO ASKED IF I’M HAVING ANOTHER BABY BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE I’M HAVING ANOTHER BABY. Ok granted, she’s five. But we all know that children call it as they see it. It’s one of their quirky qualities. So her question and comment (as innocent as they were) hit me like a suckerpunch to the belly. Obviously she voiced what  many others have been thinking…”is she pregnant again or is that just fat???”

#2. THE SALESLADY IN ‘LE CHATEAU’ WHO TRIED TO SELL ME ON A TOP UNTIL SHE SAW MY BELLY. I’m so serious about this. She went on and on about how gorgeous the colour trends were this season and pulled down a top that would “watch my eyes”. Then HER eyes skimmed over my form and with a slight look of badly-masked-disgust she stopped dead in her tracks and said “Oh. You’ve had a baby.”  Then she put the top back!!! I couldn’t push baby boy out of the store fast enough.

#3. THE SALESLADY IN ‘TRISTAN’ WHO TOOK IT UPON HERSELF TO GIVE ME WEIGHT-LOSS ADVICE (UNPROMPTED OF COURSE). Needless to say this chick did not get any commission from me. I was pushing baby boy through the store, browsing through all the beautiful clothes that I can’t wear, when the sales lady came up and gushed about how cute my baby was, blah blah blah. Then she turned to me and put her hand on her stomach and this is how our conversation went:

Her: “D’you know what will get rid of that?”

Me: “Um…get rid of what?”

Her: “That belly. D’you know what worked for me?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Her: “Giiiiiirrrrrl, I’m telling you, when I had my kids I bought one of those wraps from the sports store and…”

I don’t remember the rest of what she said because all I could focus on was the blood rushing to my face, the angry tears welling up in my eyes and the fact that I was standing in the middle of a store that sold clothes I couldn’t fit into all the while being schooled by a saleslady on how to shed my fat which was apparently spilling out from everywhere. All I know is that I swallowed whatever cussing I was about to throw at her, stretched my lips into a fake smile and backed the hell out of there.

After these recent incidents I’ve become even more concious of the buddha belly, working hard to conceal my blubber. I mean, if complete strangers and innocent children are seeing me as a walking blimp than what are the people I know thinking???

I’ve become even more determined to shed this unwanted weight. For once in my life my concern over what others thought of me has jumped from a point 1 to off the scale completely. So how others are seeing me…or more accurately WHAT they’re seeing is that lil’ bit of extra motivation to keep me on track with my new found diet and fitness.


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by DeeDeeNewell on July 18, 2009 at 13:52

    Don’t be too hard on yourself! The people who Know you and love you are on your side. We all need to shed weight, we are women, that’s what we do:) LOL…..truth is you HAVE had a baby, and he is not even 6 months old yet, so it will take time. We are not hollywood divas to have tummy tucks etc. You look like a yummy mummy and are working on the things you need to to get more secure with you! Take it one day at a time….and remember, salad is your friend….LOL (joking)


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