AND WE’RE OFF!

So this week is the first week of my “Kick My Ass Into Shape” regimen.

Seriously. I’ll take any shape but the one I’m in right now.

So far so good. I’ve managed to stick to a fairly regulated diet of low fat foods and I’m proud to say that I’ve only hit Starbucks once so far this week. You may scoff at the Starbucks comment but avoiding Starbucks is a bigger feat than it seems. For the last three months I’ve relied on a mid-afternoon Starbucks run to get me through the remainder of my day with the baby and client meetings later in the evening. The Barristas at the Starbucks down the street and around the corner know me by name…and by order.

I’ve been away from Starbucks for more than three days…they’ve probably sent out a search party, deeply concerned that I might be lying in an alley somewhere with an empty Starbucks cup begging for change for my caffeine fix.

Oh, and just as an FYI, no I am not one of those Grande-no-whip-mocha-thingy-ma-bob-with-cinnamon-sprinkles people. I’m a Tall Bold with No-Fat Milk and 3 sugars (which I apply to the coffee myself, thank you very much!)

The gym situation has been a constant frustration for me these past few months. Mainly because it’s hard to find time to hit the gym during the day when you’re attending to a baby… and I’m just too damn tired by the time the husband gets home from work to drag my ass there later in the day.  So after much deliberation I’ve joined Baby & Me Fitness to jump start my rusty butt into high gear.  I say “after much deliberation” because at first glance I took Baby & Me to be nothing but an overpriced gym membership that charges you  up-the-whazoo just for the privilege of having your baby with you while you work out. But after having attended classes this week I can honestly say that the price is well worth it. It’s fun, I’m comparing ‘notes’ with other new Moms and the classes are working my butt so hard that I’m almost in tears.

For real.

About the working my butt so hard that I’m almost in tears part I mean.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the “baby and me” exercise concept, it’s basically a number of gym-style classes like aerobics, strength training, etc which you attend with your baby. And for most of them at some point in the class you incorporate your baby into the routine, using them as natural resistance. Never did I think I would look at my son as a human dumbbell. When you’re not making use of your baby, he/she is chillin’ at the front of the studio on a mat. Baby needs a change? No problem, just change him right there and then and then jump back into the class. Baby needs to feed? Go right ahead, whip out your boob and feed ‘em.  The best part is that the majority of the classes are mid-morning, coinciding perfectly with his feeding (and pooping and peeing) schedule and freeing up the rest of my day to get work done, play with the baby…or just take a nap.

Mmmmm….nap….

Finally my days of stressing over whether or not I can get to the gym are over. And we’re off –  pinning that God-awful photo of myself to the refrigerator for motivation, chugging away daily at chiseling away the flabbiness  and all the while hoping that all this hard work will result in getting me into shape…

…any shape but ROUND.

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW

OK, so I figured that there’s no real way for anyone to fully understand the dramatic change that my body took on after the baby unless I post photos. So it is with a combination of hesitation, embarrassment and a teeny tiny bit of “blech” that I present Buddha Belly in all her…um…flabbiness?

THEN:

(PRE-BABY: *sigh* 125 lbs, fit, firm and energetic…how depressing)

NOW:

(POST-BABY: ugh. 152 lbs, flabby, tired and forced to still wear maternity pants)

SOON TO BE…

(only time will tell…)

STATS (as of May 25)

BUST: 37

WAIST: 39 (eek!)

HIPS: 39 (ack!)

WEIGHT: 152.9 lbs (ugh)

BODY FAT %: 33.6 (oh for…)

HERE’S THE SKINNY…

So I had a baby.

I think that pretty much says it all.

I mean, every new Mom out there has experienced it… the stubborn baby bulge (or Buddha belly as I like to call it) after having given birth — that ounce upon ounce of flab that latches on and refuses to be shaken off.

Oh but see, I’m not your like every new Mom out there. You see, during my pregnancy I gained a whopping 70 pounds. Yup, you read that right — 70 POUNDS. A good  30 of that 70 I  managed to gain within the first three months with the aid of fatty foods and raging horomones. And then it was all downhill from there.

I was never blessed enough to be one of those women who carried the pregnancy weight well. I gained that new-found-fat all over. My chin suddenly went MIA under the facial fat and  I was a walking GoodYear Blimp for almost the entire 9 months. Family and friends were placing bets as to the baby’s weight and not one of them guessed under 10 pounds. And then baby was born…

…at six pounds.

Yup, either I had some serious water retention going on or every morsel of food I took in during the pregnancy had decided to stage a sit-in right in the gut (with a few straglers hanging around in my ass and thighs).  I had somehow naturally lost 30 pounds but three months later I still have 40 pounds of it holding onto me for dear life.

Now don’t get me wrong. I DO NOT regret getting pregnant and giving birth to my son. I love ‘T’ more than life itself and would gladly add another tire under my clothing for him. It’s the laziness and neglect that I permitted myself throughout the pregnancy that I regret.

Not only am I twice the size I used to be,  it’s there — the dreaded buddha belly. A gargentous bump right in my middle. It hangs over the top of my pants. It extends out the sides so that it looks like I’m wearing a Goodwrench tire under my shirt.  I’m in that utterly horrible place where my maternity clothes are getting to be too big  but I’m too large to wear regular clothing (or regular BELTS for that matter!)

Yup, it’s there and man is it ugly. Just call me Buddha.

In the last three months I’ve made what feels like a million feeble attempts to lose weight. I’ve started weeks off with great motivation, but the weeks just end in disappointment. Eating on the fly, drinking nothing but Starbucks coffee and wanting nothing more than to take a nap instead of hitting the gym…well, let’s just say it’s only made the Buddha Belly stronger and more ugly every day.

I’ve attempted to diet but within days of eating never-ending salad I’d either be ordering takeout again or eye-ing my dog’s back legs wondering if they taste anything like chicken…or if they’re low in fat.

Yeesh, I sound even more pathetic in writing.

So as of Monday, May 25, 2009, I — Buddha Belly — am about to undertake the impossible. I’m going to lose the Buddha Belly weight. All of it. And keep it off.

This is going to be hard. Ok, let me rephrase that. This is going to be HELL. Not only will I have to adhere to a new routine of low-fat foods, small portion sizes and a strict exercise regiment, but I’ll have to do it all while trying to care for and enjoy every moment with my three-month-old son. (not to mention be a combination of housewife and career woman)

So welcome to my journey towards becoming  40 pounds lighter and never again having to suck in my stomach, leave the top button of my pants undone, groan when I look in the mirror or bawl in the fitting room of H&M.

Feel free to laugh with me (or at me), cry with me (or pass a tissue), ‘hollah’ or ‘hollah’ at me…or feel free to join me. Whatever you choose to do, this is my personal exploration of all things low-fat, high intensity and just plain exhausting.

Buh-bye Buddha Belly. Hello Abs!